Women Jokes

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10) Cats’ facial expressions.
9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8) Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7) ?Fat? clothes.
6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.
4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3) Eyelash curlers.
2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1) Other women.


True Love

A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women’s husband’s funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. “Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone.” “All gone?”, the friend asks, shocked. “Yes”, said the widow.”I don’t understand”, says the friend. “How did you already go through $10,000?”"Well, it is really not as bad as you think.” says the widow.”I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone.”Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says “That must have been a huge stone for $3000!”The widow answers: “Yeah, it was 3 carats!”


The Pharmacist

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it.”The pharmacist continues, “It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!”


Tight Skirt

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, ?How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!? Shocked, the man says, ?Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.?


The Devout Catholic Woman

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At last they’re finally together.” A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?” “I mean her legs!”


Six Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life

“THE DOCTOR because he says “Take your clothes off.
“THE DENTIST because he says “Open wide.
“THE HAIR DRESSER because he says “Do you want them teased or blown?
“THE MILKMAN because he says “Do you want it in the back or in the front?
“THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says “Once it’s in you’ll love it.
“THE BANKER because he says “If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.”


She Devil

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, ”You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!”’


Road Hazard

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh my goodness! Am I driving?”


New scientific element: WOMAN

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.”The woman did as she was told.”Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.” Again,The woman did as she was instructed.Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.” So she did..Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”Worried, the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?”Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, “Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.