Golf Jokes

I Want To Buy A Golf Ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?”

“Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!”


Senior Golf Logic

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”


Difficult shot

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like
forever. He’d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking
so long to make this shot?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make
this shot a good one,” said Bob.

“Good Lord,” said David, “you haven’t got a chance of hitting her from
here.”


As a young man

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age
of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a
rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,
chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and
never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton,
but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as
the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out
of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he
knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from
his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him
get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
“Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied,
“Who is he going to tell?”


Four married guys go golfing

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy: That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they ask him, You haven’t said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?

Fourth Guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’
So she says, Wear your sweater.


The Politically Correct Country Club

Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politcally correct?Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they’re stroke-challenged!


The Golfer vs. The Fisherman

Q: What’s the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
A: When a golfer lies he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it!


LOFT

Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, “What did I do wrong?”The pro replied, “Loft.”The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.The pro again answered, “Loft.”The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, “What did I do wrong?”Again, “Loft.”As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.”All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?”The pro shook his head and said, “Lack of Friggin’ Talent!”


Definitions

Amateur golfer: someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.
Oxymoron: an easy par three.
A hack: when your divot flies further than your ball.Bad golfer: someone who can take strokes off his game only with an eraser.
Duffer: the only guy in the world who has an unplayable lie when he tees up.
Mexican hat dance: lots of spike marks around the hole.
In jail: deep in the trees with no shot out.
Worm burner: a shot going a long way on the ground.