Funny Medical Jokes

We are the best of friends

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”


Physical Examination

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid’s little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and say, “You shouldn’t laugh, it’s been swollen like that for two weeks now!”


Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”


Snorting Pepper

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.


Examination of Kim

Kim is a young lad, just potty trained. When he goes to the wash room , he is able to hit everything except the toilet. So his mom has to clean up the toilet after everytime he went. After about 2 weeks, she has had enough, and finally decided to take Kim to their family doctor for examination.

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Pills

One day a woman went to her family doctor and told her that she is not feeling well from some days. The doctor examined her properly and went out of the room to bring medicine for her from the store room. Doctor came with 3 big bottles of pills of different colours.

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Best Of Friends

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”"That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”


Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you?re the new father of twins!”The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife?s room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith?s wife has just had triplets.Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”


Ethical Behavior For Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.


Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. “What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked. “Well, I, uh,” she stammered. “I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”"I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.”"That’s not bad,” she replied. “How much for all night?”