Dirty Jokes

Dating Etiquette

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.”

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: “Grandma, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced His family…”

Granny fainted….


Making a List Checking it Twice

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,”Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis.”

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.

He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, “Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that! We should make a list!”

He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”.


Sore Ass

It’s about 10 pm on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar is about ready to go home.

Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him, “Hey buddy, why’re ya goin’ home so soon? I usually see you here until past midnight. Something wrong?”

The guy responds, “No ain’t nothin’ wrong, just got a sore ass from sittin’ on this stool for so long.”

“Buddy, I got just the thing for ya.” says the bartender reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar. He pulls a bottle of pills, opens the bottle and hands the guy two pills.

The guy says, “What’re these, aspirin?”

“No,” says the bartender. “Stool softeners.”


The Notebook

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, “Are you Joe Smith?” The fellow says, “Yes, I’m Joe Smith.”

He says, “Were you in Chicago in early June?” The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, “Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June.”

“Did you stay at the Hyatt?” The guy looks through his notebook again and says, “Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt.”

“Were you in room 1368?” The fellow checks his notebook and says, “Yes, I was in room 1368.”

The guy says, “Did you know a MrsPerfesser who stayed in room 1369?” The guy looks in his book again, hmmms and says, “Yes, I knew Mrs Williams who stayed in 1369.”

The guy says, “And did you have an affair with Mrs Williams?” The fellow scans his notebook and says, “Yes, I had an affair with Mrs Williams.”

The guy says, “Well, I’m Mr Williams and I don’t like it!”

Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, “You know, you’re right … I didn’t like it either.”


Convent Girl

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to
marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of
contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal
couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city
on the way to the reception.

“William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?”

“Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at
fifty dollars a time.”

“Wow, fifty dollars!” exclaimed the bride, “the monks only used
to give us an apple…”


Hung Like A Baby

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there,the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy’s naked body,the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she became conscious, the guy asked, “I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?”
The girl said, “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long.”


Sex Problems

A man who had problems with premature ejaculation went to a sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said,

“This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!”

Delighted, the guy took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf, and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on his dick and went upstairs to his wife. But it seemed to make him reach orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, “This stuff makes me worse than before!”

Reading the label, the clerk asked, “Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?”

“Yeah, so?” said the disgruntled customer.

“You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off!” said the clerk.


Great Lay

A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, “Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!”

He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who’d done the shouting, and asked, “Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a good lay?”

The other man shrugged his shoulders. “It isn’t really true,” he said, “she’s a lousy lay, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”


DUUUKE

A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
“Duke!” the dad yelled.
“This is great!” the boy thought. “He thinks the dog is farting!” So he let out another one.
“Duke!” the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
“Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!”


Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.