Dirty Jokes

Naughty Johnny

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiouysly loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly,”you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”


Pet Rooster

A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn’t find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish.

Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.

From the pulpit, he asked loudly, “Anyone got a cock?”

All the men inside the Church stood up!


Nun Decorators

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

The one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”

“Blind man!”


Bad Wolf

One night at a club little red riding hood and the big bad wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading eachother on, they went back to his place. He asked her “come on please just let me stick it in.” Little Red Riding hood replied ‘Stick to to the story motherf**ker, EAT ME!


Stone

Maury and Pauly, in their younger years, went to the county fair and slipped into the hoochy-coochy show, where the ecdysiast was just beginning to “dare all to bare all.”

“Uh-oh,” said Pauly, “I’m gettin’ outta he’e!”

“Wait,” protested Maury, “this is gonna get better ‘n’ better!”

“Nope,” said Pauly, “my momma told me that if I ever saw a naked woman, I’d turn to stone, and I think I done started!


A Great Toast

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, John, what was your toast?” John Said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John,” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.


Mathematical Viewpoint

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


Kinds Of Boobies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only”


Lawyer Dies

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.

“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now fuck off”


Website Under Construction

Looking up websites on infertility, I found an address that sounded interesting. I clicked on the link and was taken to a site that said, “This page is under construction.”

I looked closer and saw in smaller print: “Check back in nine months and see what we’ve accomplished.”

I bookmarked the addresss and went back several months later. Posted was a full-page picture of a beautiful nine-pound baby girl.