Business Jokes

Reasons to leave work

1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2. Came dressed in only a towel…again.
3. Ran out of paper clips.
4. I’ve decided to telecommute.
5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6. It’s a long drive home to Texas.
7. One-day sale at Macy’s.
8. My brain is melting!
9. I think they found me out…
10. Accidently erased the whole week’s work off the computer disk.

Reasons to stay at work all night

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum”.
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.
6. Go into the other gender’s bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO’s voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!

Question and Answer

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. ——————————————————————————–Bentley’s second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! ——————————————————————————–Berta’s Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. “The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist.” ——————————————————————————–Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. ——————————————————————————–Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “We got it! We got it!” ——————————————————————————–Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?A: Too early to say.——————————————————————————–Q: What do economists and computers have in common?A: You need to punch information into both of them.——————————————————————————–Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.——————————————————————————–Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck? A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool. ——————————————————————————–NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT: Newlan’s Truism: An “acceptable” level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. ——————————————————————————–Q: Why did the market economist cross the road? A: To reach the consensus forecast. ——————————————————————————–Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates? A: Deflator mouse ——————————————————————————–Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. ——————————————————————————–Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb. ——————————————————————————–Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends on the wage rate. ——————————————————————————–Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. ——————————————————————————–Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb? A: I’m writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years.——————————————————————————–Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb? A: None - the market has already discounted the change. ——————————————————————————–Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb? A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.——————————————————————————–Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution. ——————————————————————————–When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation. ——————————————————————————–Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.——————————————————————————–Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven plus or minus ten.——————————————————————————–Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Irrelevant - the light bulb’s preferences are to be taken as given. ——————————————————————————–Q: What’s the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer’s? A: The economist is the one with the calculator. ——————————————————————————– (more…)

Poem about Economics

If you do some acrobatics with a little mathematics it will take you far along. If your idea’s not defensible don’t make it comprehensible or folks will find you out, and your work will draw attention if you only fail to mention what the whole thing is about. Your must talk of GNP and of elasticity of rates of substitution and undeterminate solution and oligonopopsony.

Paying in advance

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. “Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.” The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now

Newest ATM machines

“The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You’re gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man.” - Jay Leno

New element was Found

Administratrium, The New Element AMES, IA–The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.

Nerds versus jocks

An answer to the eternal question “Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?” Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he’ll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He’ll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.Next year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it?But:Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.Nerds win!

Main Vice President

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”. “Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?” The clerk replies “Canned or frozen?”

Lost in a Balloon

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:”We’re lost! Can you tell us where we are?”The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:”You’re in a balloon!”The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:”That man must be a manager.”"Why?”"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!”