Animal Jokes

Talking Parrot

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry.” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”


Two Tigers

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”

The other tiger replied, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”


The Vicious Dog

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?”

“No.”

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly.

“That’s not my dog.”


Do You Know?

1) Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!

2)What do you call a very old ant?
An antique!

3)Why did the robin go to the library?
To find bookworms!

4)What’s striped and jumps?
A zebra with hiccups

5)What’s little and quick and has 32 wheels?
A spider on roller skates!


Dog Bites

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?”

“No.”

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly.

“That’s not my dog.”


The Elephant Puzzle

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas but a flea can’t have elephants!
Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
A: So he could hide in the cherry tree!

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: When your nose touches the ceiling!

Q: What do you call an elephant that flies?
A: A jumbo jet!

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Q: Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
A: Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

Q: Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
A: Because they couldn’t hold their trunks up!


Good Thinking

A dog thinks: Hey! these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God


The Amazing Dog

A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.


Flirting and Boys

In an elephant’s school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A cool female elephant passes by the canteen.

Then one of the elephants says: “Look yaar, 3600 – 2400 – 3600!!”


The Unique life-style of Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don’t understand.”

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The panda says, “Look it up in the dictionary,” and walks out of the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading “Panda”. It reads:

“Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.”